Rewriting History

So, as I mentioned yesterday, I am the last chick flick fan to go see “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I know the movie and the book are old history out in woman land and have been beaten to death by fans and foes. Nonetheless, mixing the movie and a couple of bourbons last night might have been a bad idea for my sanity. Because more than once in the movie it occurred to me that the ex…. well, he wasn’t that into me. I know everyone has known that from the way he treated me, the cheating, the fact that we couldn’t get along for more than three days at a time, etc. But for me, it stung a little to see that what should have been so obvious to me early on took me until a broken engagement to figure out.

So, powered by a little too much cocktail, I had the brilliant idea of calling to let him know (as my non-logical logic ran) that I was strong enough to know that he was never that into me and it was ok. To call and be brave and at peace with at all. It was a drunk dial of power in my mind. Except that he did what he does and made me go to bed feeling crazier than before. Because he calmly explained to me that he had called off the wedding due to finances.  Um. WHAT? In his version of the story, apparently, he decided we wouldn’t get married because he couldn’t afford it. Completely skipping the part where I had planned and sent out save-the-dates and then found his texts telling another woman he loved her. Completely in denial about when I had to call it all off, to kick him out of the house, to sit on the couch for days and sob, to deal with the shame of letting everyone know what had happened and why.

And all of a sudden, my Zen-like calm is shattered by his version of the story. And turns into my shrieking that he was lying. That he couldn’t rewrite history to suit him. That he never loved me and wouldn’t know how. I’m sure my hotel neighbors loved the volume level in the middle of the night. I finally got off the phone by insisting that I couldn’t talk anymore and didn’t want to talk to him about it ever again. (Strong words since I was the one who called, right?)

And this morning, I wish I could rewrite history. I wish I could rewrite my night to include one less cocktail and one less phone call. I wish I hadn’t eaten that pizza that came up when I woke up and remembered the call and the cocktails. I wish I hadn’t had the juice which also came back up the more I thought about it. And I wish I could say that he can’t hurt me any more.

Unfortunately, no matter how hard I wish, I can’t make it so. All I want to do is teleport myself to my couch for the weekend and work on rebuilding my super powers. Because right now, I’m no wonder woman. Just another hungover girl regretting that one phone call. And wishing I didn’t have two planes in my way to getting home. Alone.

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9 Comments

Filed under Daily Life, Relationships

9 responses to “Rewriting History

  1. :-(
    You’ll be ok.
    You’re strong. And he was an ass.
    I’m glad you yelled at him, even if it woke the neighbors. He does not get to recreate history to suit him.

  2. Your superpowers are still fully functional, even when you stumble.

    It’s pathetic that he had to rewrite history to cast himself as a non-cheating, non-crazy, non-fuck-up. You know the truth, and so do your fellow hotel guests (along with all of your loyal readers).

    I am so happy for you and how far you have come over the last year. Without him, you’ve blossomed. He’s still the same person who needs to cast his actions in the best possible light and cannot deal with reality.

  3. It was the alcohol…maybe they should install a breathalizer in telephones.

  4. that was so disgusting and slimy of him. and girl, don’t let him ruin your day. *hugs*

    one is never alone at home… call over BC, watch silly flicks, curl up with a good book and bourbon.. write something enriching..

    you are a survivor girl. but it’s ok to cry too.

    take care. am sure tomorrow will be a better day.

  5. the planner is right. look at everything you have done on your own, “alone.” without him. everyone needs a good bourbon, good (bad) movie, good “take that” scream at someone evil, and good cry every once in a while. and with the throwing up, well consider it complete! cleansing!

  6. I haven’t seen the movie OR read the book. Even though it feels like your phone call sucked, in a way it was good. The Ex knows YOU know he’s lying.

  7. Luna

    God, what a delusional ass. Sorry you had to go through that. He’s an idiot, and deep down inside, he knows it. And so do we.

  8. Matt

    Well, take the long view on this.
    He’s a dick. And you were going to marry him.

    As hurtful as it is now, it’s better that you’ve found out now than in a few years time.
    And whilst you feel shamed by having to tell everyone why the marriage was called off, I can bet not one of them thinks any less of you for doing so, nor was there anything shameful in your actions.

    In fact, there will be some women who wish they had had the same strength to have done it themselves, and your example will warm their hearts, because nothing is more heartbreaking than seeing an emotional head on collision in the making, and not being able to do anything about it.

    We live in an age where failure is seen as something wrong, which is insane, given we as humans, are programmed to primarily learn from our mistakes.
    So stop being miserable at yourself for making a small mistakes, and thank your gods that you didn’t make a massive mistake.

    Dwelling on it is unproductive, so tomorrow, put on a sexy dress, walk down the street with a BIG, genuine smile, and see how many people you can make smile as well – it’ll lighten your day (and theirs) no end.

    Now go forth and be fabulous.. :D

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